Thursday, August 1, 2013

And then Connor came to play...

Connor's take on unconventional sources of magic...


The Place Time Forgot

[Or flip-flop]

 

Meandering through the Appalachian Mountains is a state route that is exclusively traveled by the very lost. Squatting alongside this road is a dusty antiques shop. It is in this antiques shop that Time finally caught up with Mr. Phillip D. Félope.

 

At first Mr. Félope had thought it no more than a chill breeze that caused hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end but as he straightened his aged and aching back he glanced at his watch.

 

Phillip D. Félope didn't know why he did this, the hands had not moved in... Well, no one really knows how long. Yet he found his tired eyes focusing on the watch, regarding it old face to old face. His breath caught. The second hand was moving; gliding along in that otherworldly way that only very expensive old Rolexes do, daring his frail bones to do the same.


He did his best, striding across the jumbled antiques of the shop Phillip made for a glass case that stood by the door. Mr. Phillip D. Félope was concerned but choosing not to panic. A man does not live to the extreme old age that Phillip D Félope has without gaining a little wisdom. That wisdom was telling him not to panic. Yet.

 

It might pass. He told himself. He reminded himself that he had chosen to open the shop because he had heard that it was exactly the sort of place time passed by. And so it had for quite a long time. But now? Why Now? His mind was beginning to race as he reached the case. Resting his wrinkled hands on the musty glass he peered in. Within sat four rows of assorted timepieces. Wristwatches and pocket watches sat staring up at him. Were they moving? Phillip D. Félope couldn't tell through the dust. He closed his eyes and pressed his ear to the case.


Tick tick tick tick tick tic-


He straightened from the case, his brow furrowing. It was time for action and despite uncounted spans of sedentary life Phillip D. Félope was still a man of action. He moved to a rickety coatrack that leaned precariously beside the door. Took a walking stick off a hook and then a worn, wide brimmed fedora. Placed the first on his head and held the other firmly in his hand. A moment later he was rubbing a bump on his head and reversed the items. Phillip then crossed away from the door passing several grandfather clocks and slid a window open. Time always had an eye on doors. You could lose as much as 3 minutes just by exiting a door. Not a noticeable amount of time to most, but enough time to allow the pasta you were cooking to boil over, or be the difference between on time and late, or perhaps, thought Phillip D. Félope, life or death.

 

There was one loud tick, a half a pause like an inhalation of breath, and just as the clocks began to chime Phillip Félope slipped out the window and reentered the world.

 

The lush green of the mountains around Phillip Félope seemed unchanged from his memories of before. He checked his watch. Hmm, Before, when Lucy gave him this watch. His wrist had looked much younger then. He could still see her hands as she slipped it around his wrist, told him to find some time for her, fastened the clasp, and left.

 

Phillip cleared his throat and shook his head slightly to clear away the memory. He regarded the woods with a grimace. Too dangerous, travel any distance among these beautiful trees and time will just fly by.

 

There was a flash of light. It was the sun glinting off a shiny car as it came in and out of view through the trees. Perfect. Phillip made his way to the edge of the road in front of the shop and as the car came back in view it slowed to a stop just in front of Phillip. Phillip began to cross to the driver’s side but the passenger window slide down despite there being no one occupying that seat. Phillip grunted to himself. Time. He thought, or perhaps said, because a voice came from inside the car,

 

“excuse me? What was that?”

 

The voice sounded polite and as Phillip Félope bent down to look across to the driver he found him to be a very polite looking young man. Phillip peered at him doing everything he could to keep his face placid and not think about how much time he had left despite the fact the he could feel the restored life coursing though the watch on his wrist.

 

After a moment of silence the young man spoke again,

“um okay. Do you know how to get to the interstate from here?”

 

“Yes” replied Phillip, despite having no idea what an interstate might be. “I’ll take you” he added and reached for the door, pulled it open, and sat down before the polite young man could get out another “Um okay”

 

“Turn around” instructed Phillip.

 

“Yes I thought it might be back the way I came,” returned the Young Man, again really quite politely.

 

And so the car was reversed and turned, and forward, and turned.

 

“What is your name?” inquired the Young Man.

 

“Mr. Phillip D. Félope”

 

“Mr. Flipflop?” The Young Man asked with the politest of tones that said oh please do correct me if I am pronouncing it incorrectly

 

Phillip grunted and the Young Man introduced himself but Phillip wasn’t listening. He was thinking. This was perfect. The painfully slow passage of time that comes from being in a car with a stranger just might get him… where? Where was he going? The only thing he knew was to get lost. He had really thought he had found the place that Lucy would return to.

 

“That’s a pretty neat old watch what kind is-”

 

“It was a gift, it is personal, and don’t look at It. I mean I’d rather not talk about it” interrupted Phillip trying to keep the desperation out of his voice. He mustn’t encourage anything that would pass the time: no music, and absolutely no small talk. Despite himself Phillip glanced at his watch; the second hand was speeding around the face. Damn. He didn’t have much time and for some reason being in this car was only accelerating it. Phillip’s head was spinning and he could feel sweat beading on his wrinkled brow. He took his hat off and fanned himself with it. There was a sharp painful lurching inside his chest as if his heart had decided to kick one of his ribs.

 

“Stop, let me out” Phillip moaned

 

“What was that” The young man’s voice was confused and concerned.

 

“NOW!” bellowed Phillip. The car came to a screeching halt and Phillip burst out the door, immediately collapsing to his knees. His vision was swimming

 

“What’s happening?!” cried the Young Man from inside the car.

 

“I’m…” Mustn’t name it “Going mad” Phillip lied, must get away from him “and I’m dangerous” Phillip D Félope reached behind him and, gripping the door jab, summoned his strength, spun around, and hurled his walking stick at the young driver. There was a shriek and as the car peeled away the door slammed against on Phillip’s hand.

 

Phillip D. Félope staggered away from the road. No longer caring about the danger of these beautiful woods.

 

Cursing, sweating, and cradling his now bleeding hand, Phillip burst into a clearing and collapsed panting. Tears swelled in his eyes a combination of frustration and misery. Phillip D. Félope then did something that he had never done before with his time. He simply took some. He thought of all the ways he had filled his time as a young man, not wanting any of it to be wasted. It all had to mean something, build up to something. Then he thought of his time after Lucy left and how bitterly he had tried to cheat time. Then after the anger and bitterness had faded came his ages of hiding from time. Just trying to fall through the cracks long enough for her to find him.

 

His tears fell upon the face of the watch all the hands slowly moving to join together.

 

Phillip raised his head, his breath slowly becoming more even, and as his eyes cleared he finally saw that he was not the only thing in the clearing. There was a house.

 

Again Phillips breath caught. The house was old. Two stories in the Victorian style and there wasn’t a wall that was clear of climbing ivy, the boards of the large front porch were beginning to rot or split.

 

Phillip was drawn towards the house. First crawling then scrabbling to his feet he reached the steps of the porch. The front door was standing open. Had he not noticed that or was it shut before?

 

As Phillip D. Félope gingerly climbed the steps a light seemed to grow inside the doorway. For some reason the light made him fell safe and sad. Tears once more came to his eyes.

 

As he crossed the threshold the light seemed to spill down from a stairway just in front of him. There was a very quiet click and then a soft thud. Phillip stopped and glanced down to see his watch lying face up on the floorboards next to his foot. A small smile came to his lips. The hands were stopped.

 

The sound of creaking boards came from the top of the stairs causing Phillip to look up from his watch. Phillip D. Félope’s smile spread slowly across his face. A woman’s voice said.

 

“Hello Phil”

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Uncoventional Sorcery- David's Take




Hats of War

By David Franklin

 

Captain Nyphael Sanduin stood alone on the smoking battlefield. Behind her lay a series of hastily dug trenches, the last lines of defense before the ponderous walls of Castle Symia. Before her stood the fiercest unit of battle mages that the Gattlebrontian Horde had to offer. Atop each head was firmly tied… a Hat.

            The sorceress grunted, her disdain thick as a she-boar. “Their Hats are silly,” she admitted. “Some are even downright ridiculous. There’s enough power in those Hats to punch a hole through Symia’s wall in half a minute.” They had tried to push back the Horde, and not only had this morning’s advance been decimated, but they had lost nearly all the ground bought with yesterday’s casualties. Soon the Horde would begin their own advance…

            Nyphael only realized her fists were clenched when blood began to drip off her scarred knuckles. Raising her hand before her face, she chuckled mirthlessly. Her robes billowed and snapped in a sudden cold breeze, and her own Hat pressed flat against her raven hair. The Captain shivered.

            “Am I afraid?” She shook her head, smiling. “No need for fear when I still can do this!” she bellowed as a bead of brilliant white swirled and cracked in her palm. The fuzzy pink bunny ears on her head wiggled and danced as she channeled their power. Just a little longer now, and the supply wagon would arrive with a crate of Dr. Seuss Hats, more than enough power to heal the wounded and give the Gattlebrontians a fair fight. Until then…

            Her eyes sought and found the enemy commander’s battle standard in the distance. The bead of light swelled, filling Nyphael’s hand which began to blister. Never had she held this much power at once before. “It may kill me to release it,” she thought, “But at least that monster will finally be ash upon which my horse may shit.”

She closed her eyes. “Forgive me, Gamelstanson.” He had been a fool to propose, certainly, but she was foolish enough to want--

            Suddenly a scream like a thousand tortured souls filled the air, and Nyphael threw herself to the muddy ground before a gout of black flame passed narrowly over her head, singeing her hair and reducing her bunny ears to ash. The light in her hand popped, dimmed, and faded away.

Damn, that’s the best chance we had,” she thought, casting aside the ruined hair piece. “What kind of headgear are they packing to be able to cast Hellfire like that, and from such a distance?”

She lifted her head from the muck just in time to roll to one side of a bolt of lightning intended for her, and in the same motion she found her feet and dove back into the trench. The smell of burnt flesh rose well above the sandbags, and Nyphael felt her gorge rise for the thousandth time. But there was no time for that.

            “Captain!” It was Raselflats, the company’s radioman. “Captain Sanduin, sir… uh, I’m sorry, I mean ma’am. I mean…”

            Nyphael grabbed the weasly man’s collar.        

 “Skip it, Raselflats! What news? Did any survive the press?”

“Our intelligence was wrong, Captain! The enemy is thick with Hats, powerful ones.  I personally counted several dozen Propeller Beanies, twenty or so Fool Caps, and—

“Any Caps have bells on?” Nyphael interrupted.

All of them had bells, Captain! I- I don’t know how they’re getting them, but they’ve got them!”

“They must have slipped the embargo...” The Captain grimaced, cutting fissures in her jagged face. “What else?”

"Well, I didn’t see it myself, but Lt. Zanzilar swears their commander wields Hellfire with the silliest Hat he’s ever seen! Hecate’s nipples, the silliest!

She blanched. “So that’s who it was.” Nyphael squashed her fear before it reached her face, if only for Raselflats’ sake. “Surely you’re mistaken. Zanzilar once faced down a Polka-Dotted Clown Hat with nothing but a Fedora and won. What kind of Hat did he say it was?

“He wouldn’t say! Gods damn me, the lieutenant’s just been rocking back and forth in his own filth ever since, his eyes wide as elephant tits!” Raselflats’ breath choked. “If someone like him cracked, what chance have I?” and he began to giggle with fear.

            “Chance?” said a voice from the west side of the trench. “Chance is to be summed after everything’s dead that needs killing.”

            Gamelstanson trudged toward the pair carrying a crate in his left arm. He wore his red half-cape over his right shoulder. This had been a bright contrast against his yellow foam Packers Cheese Head just this morning, but now the latter had now gone completely grey, its power spent. As he walked, the Hat’s elastic strap snapped, and the entire piece fell into the mud. Gamelstanson continued as if he did not notice. He smiled at his commander.

            “Is that not so, Captain?”

            Nyphael sighed and noticed that she had been holding her breath until now.

            “Sounds right, Private.”

            The man’s smile faded. “And there’s killing aplenty more to do.” He set down the crate and leaned against the trench wall.

            “What have you there, Gamelstanson? Oh gods, is that our Seuss Hats?! I thought them not due for hours yet?”

            “Aye, Miss. The wagons took new horses from Benkenshire and made full speed to our position. This—“ he paused to catch his breath suddenly, but recovered and smiled. “This is what kills them and wins us!”

            “Raselflats, a crow,” said the Captain, her hand outstretched. The excited radioman fumbled the requested prybar several times before Nyphael finally snatched it from him with a mock growl. He saluted, an anticipatory grin splitting his face despite his embarrassment. She cracked open the wooden crate in one motion.

            Gamelstanson and Nyphael stared at the contents, and their smiles died.

            “What… what is this?” she finally said. “These were to be Seuss Hats…”

            “Yet they are party Hats, Miss… A hundred count. Light blue, conical, sturdy plastic, and ‘It’s your birthday’ writ on front,” he said flatly, his breathing increasingly labored.

            “We cannot use these,” replied the Captain coldly as she replaced the lid.

            “Cannot use them?! Why the Three Hells ever not?” squeaked Raselflats. “These are perfectly silly! And there are more than enough for all our Magic Folk to wear!”

            “I agree, Captain,” added Gamelstanson, his voice still even.

            “Still your tongues!” bellowed Nyphael. “We’ll find another way! There must be another way—“

            “There’s no other way, Niffie!” cried Gamelstanson. He gasped once, and his knees buckled.

              The Captain’s anger evaporated. “Private, what ails you? Gamelstanson, what’s wrong?”

            “What’s going on?” wailed Raselflats. His ears perked up as he received a transmission. “Sweet Agrippa’s ghost, they’re coming, Captain! The Horde is advancing! We need those Hats now!”

            “Be silent, Raselflats!” cried his captain.

            “Niffie. This is unbecoming… But I am flattered… that you remembered my birthday.”

            Raselflats was dumbfounded. “Your birthday—but the hats won’t be silly if we’re wearing them on your birthday! They’ll just be appropriate… Oh gods, we’re powerless!”        

            “I don’t actually think… it’ll be a problem for much longer, friend,” gasped Gamelstanson, whose eyes rolled in his head as he attempted and failed to stagger to his feet. Nyphael’s eyes sought for an explanation until she realized that his uniform was doing its job. She rushed over to the man and began to untie the red cape over his right side.

“Now now, Niffie. Patience… There will be time enough to undress me… once the fighting’s all done…”

“Shut up!”

His right arm was gone. The scorch marks of Hellfire pointed out the responsible party, and while the spell had cauterized the wound, Gamelstanson was fighting shock. 

            “You have to let me go, Niffie. I swore I’d always protect you, and right now, this is the only way I know how. And not just you. Every man here.”

“Gamelstanson, please don’t speak that way! You’ll live to protect me still, and I, you.  We could… we could share a life together.”

Gamelstanson beamed, and a trickle of blood ran from the corner of his mouth. “That sounds grand, Captain. I can see us now. I can see us. What a lovely birthday present you’ve given me. Thank you Nyphael.”

Raselflats head peeked over the trench. “Captain! They’re closing in! We need your orders now!”

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me.” Gamelstanson crooned waveringly, his eyes smiling so sweetly that Nyphal did not notice his left hand drift into his back pocket, did not notice him unfold the cardboard pirate Hat. She did not notice, for she had begun to sing softly with the man she loved.

“Happy Birthday, dear Gamelstanson, Happy Birthday to—“

It was the only kiss she would have to remember him. As they drew apart, she saw the white skull and crossbones against the black field, the symbol of death against his receding chestnut hair. She saw his index finger against his temple. She saw how he had distracted her, but it was too late. Weak as a cardboard Hat was, this one was still silly enough for…

“—Me.”

A muffled boom, and Gamelstanson’s eyes went slantwise as his spell scrambled the contents of his skull. Nyphael did not scream. She did not lift her head and howl at the darkness. The darkness would not care.

            She stood.

            “How many men have we left?” Her voice was low.

            “Ninety-four, Captain,” said Raselflats. He peered over at the body. “Captain, I…”

            “Distribute the Hats.”

            “Captain, there are one hundred Hats. How shall we use the leftover ones?”

            “There will be none left over, Raselflats.”

            Nyphael put on a party Hat. These Hats were incredibly silly to wear when it was no one’s birthday. She felt the power flood into her appropriately. But it was not enough. Upon the first she stacked a second Hat, and she staggered as the power increase tenfold.

            “Are you insane?!” yelled Raselflats.

            She added a third and cried out in pain. It felt as if her eyes would burst from the pressure behind them.

            “Stop! Stop! No one’s ever survived even double-Hatting! What are you thinking, Captain? You don’t stand a chance of channeling that much power!”

            She added a fourth Hat, and her back arched and quivered and finally snapped like a twig at the lumbar. She crumbled.

She pulled herself up to the crate and added a fifth. Her eyes disappeared in light, which shone out of her face like twin suns… Between which, Raselflats noticed, were two thin rivulets of steam rising into the air, tears which would never fall.

            “I’m thinking…” said Nyphael. Her voice seemed to come, not just from her mouth, but everywhere. “I’m thinking that Chance is to be summed after everything’s dead that needs killing.”

            She added the sixth.

 

 

 
 

Monday, July 29, 2013

The Sonnet Challenge

David and Jenny wrote sonnets that were required to begin with some variation of the phrase "Jesus doth reside within those lobes."  Here are their respective odes to God's greatest gift to any lover: les lobes.

David's Sonnet (Elizabethan)

Yea, Jesus doth reside within those lobes,
Those lovely lobes upon her lovely ears
Attached unto the loveliest of globes
Within which couch the loveliest of spheres
There will be time to dwell upon those eyes
There will be time to gaze upon that head
And in such time, those ears will hear my sighs,
Yet now is such a time for lobes instead.
For Jesus turned the water into wine
And Jesus multiplied the loaves and fish
Now from the vault of heaven comes the sign
Of flesh that is no flesh, but velvet squish
Miraculous her lobes, then, plainly be,
In texture and in softness, without match
Behold, the Second Coming, plain to see,
Celestial plane on earth, my heart to catch
Jesus loves me, this I truly know
Because my lady's earlobes tell me so.



Jenny's Sonnet (Poorly Constructed Petrarchan)

And lo, I see that Jesus must reside within those lobes
Feathers doth my iris sprout, trembling with gossamer grace
Winged emissaries of love for the nubs that straddle your face
The warmest sorrel of thy squishy halos harks back to Turin Robes.
What shall a man be without these simpering drops of ear meat?
Beelzebub, with hoof cloven and temper odious wouldst damn these
Monstrous beings that lack barrier to squalls bowing the trees
But my love ascends to pearly borders, lobes bowing only to holy feet.
 If eyes be the window to the soul, the lobes be an alter
Prostrate, I offer up centuries for centimeters of perfection
Two hands clasped in prayer, four chambers begin to balter
My breathless bosom be a testament to my affection
I raise my weak voice to praise the savior’s reflection
My hymn cannot harmony hold, yet devotion will never falter.