David's Obituary

Hamlet Leaves Elderly Man Dead

Published 8/15/2093

 

          Boca Raton (AP): An elderly resident of Whispering Pines retirement community died on Thursday after sustaining injuries in his amateur one-man production of Hamlet. Citizen Franklin, aged 105, produced an illegal weapon during the fourth hour of his performance as the title character, in order to duel a character named Laertes, also played by Franklin.

          “Our investigation has failed to show evidence of wrongdoing. This was all an unfortunate accident,” said police chief Orwell in response to the incident. “Who could have known he had a sword in his cane?”

          The real tragedy is that attempts to upload Franklin's consciousness to the federal mind-directory GeistNet (as prescribed by last month's Ministry Mandate 9457B, or “Preserve Our Legacy”) have met with failure. Autopsy reveals that his brain showed signs of acute-onset deterioration. Ministry psychologist Lucius Snow offered his expert insight:    

          “Well, there's neurotoxins that could have done that kind of damage and remain undetectable to autopsy,” he told the Associated Press. “But,” he added, “that's absurd. Who wouldn't want to live forever online, sharing one mind with our Dear Leader for all eternity?”

          While this is undoubtedly true, the case remains understandably bewildering to some.

          “I think that fella said something about his sword being, like 'venom' or something just before he fell over,” commented fellow Whispering Pines resident Hassle Guntrie, who attended the performance. “But I ain't really sure. Never could make out that Shakespeare crap.”

          Franklin is survived by his robot wife K27-LA14, who asks that all condolences be sent in the form of cat food.