Hamlet Leaves Elderly Man Dead
Published 8/15/2093
Boca Raton (AP): An elderly resident of Whispering Pines retirement
community died on Thursday after sustaining injuries in his amateur one-man
production of Hamlet. Citizen
Franklin, aged 105, produced an illegal weapon during the fourth hour of his
performance as the title character, in order to duel a character named Laertes,
also played by Franklin.
“Our investigation has failed to
show evidence of wrongdoing. This was all an unfortunate accident,” said police chief Orwell in
response to the incident. “Who could have
known he had a sword in his cane?”
The
real tragedy is that attempts to upload Franklin's consciousness to the federal
mind-directory GeistNet (as prescribed by last month's Ministry Mandate 9457B,
or “Preserve Our Legacy”) have met with failure. Autopsy
reveals that his brain showed signs of acute-onset deterioration. Ministry
psychologist Lucius Snow offered his expert insight:
“Well, there's neurotoxins that
could have done that kind of damage and remain undetectable to autopsy,” he told the Associated Press. “But,” he added, “that's absurd. Who wouldn't want to
live forever online, sharing one mind with our Dear Leader for all eternity?”
While
this is undoubtedly true, the case remains understandably bewildering to some.
“I think that fella said something
about his sword being, like 'venom' or something just before he fell over,” commented fellow Whispering Pines
resident Hassle Guntrie, who attended the performance. “But I ain't really sure. Never
could make out that Shakespeare crap.”
Franklin
is survived by his robot wife K27-LA14, who asks that all condolences be sent
in the form of cat food.
